Since my last entry on the blog, I haven’t thought much about the cancer. Death and negative thoughts were buried under a veil of hope and love. A glimpse of what I used to consider a ‘normal’ life returned and I have felt safe in the realm of uncertainty.
Changing my thought pattern has been a real challenge and continues to be work in progress ( like all habits, hard to break) Trapped in a wheel of self pity and self hatred for so long I feel that a weight has finally been lifted through counselling, therapy and exploring a more spiritual side of myself that I always knew existed, but that was lost through living a shallow and superficial existence for so many years .
Although the reason for counselling has primarily been the return of the cancer… it is clear that most of my fears stem from the past. In order to heal, I have had to unwrap the neat parcels I so carefully put away for many years: parcels of doubt, sadness and insecurities . It is a continuing steep learning curve but necessary to explore if I am to beat this disease.
It is well documented that resentments, anger and grief can contribute to the onset of many diseases including cancer. Our minds are a powerful tool….and as I have discovered, also an extremely dangerous one : strong convictions and beliefs can often turn into reality . Essentially, in the most simplistic form, we are what we think.
The day arrived that I had to attend the appointment for the pathology report after the operation. For some reason, as I entered the hospital, I was not afraid: Not one negative thought crossed my mind. For the first time, I was not projecting the outcome of the meeting or indeed how many of the 15 nodes were positive for metastatic disease. For the first time, I felt in some odd way at peace and protected by something greater than myself.
Results: ONLY THE ONE large node cancerous 1/15. -
And so…….. am I to believe that all the work I have been doing on my thought patterns has influenced this outcome ? Or am I to believe that this is purely a scientific result and nothing more than a clinical fact?
Perhaps, it is easier to believe that the medication I have been taking stopped the cancer from spreading, but deep inside of me, I know that it was the power of my mind that kept it contained. No, I am not losing my sanity, just waking up and beginning to understand the gift that we all possess …. the energy of thought.
I am once again free of cancer …. NED ( No Evidence of Disease) as they call it in the forums. However, I must not become complacent as the beast awaits silently a time to raise its ugly head. I must remain vigilant: take care of my soul and enrich my life in every possible way so that it remains in the shadows.
What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.
Buddha (563 BC-483 BC) Founder of Buddhism.