I feel full of gratitude to all af you that have been following my blog – writing helped me through an incredibly dark time and allowed me to be totally honest about my feelings. I hope that by doing this I have been able to help others in some way – those suffering with cancer or affected by it – this was my original intention.
I have had the opportunity to think a lot over the last few weeks : unearthing the ‘real Carrina’ is an ongoing task and the endless journey is full of surprises. Different techniques of counselling have allowed me to delicately revisit some painful times in my past and lay them to rest. I am slowly learning to understand why people appeared to behave in a way that hurt me, but at the same time, observe my part in the process: understanding that perhaps my expectations of certain situations/people were marred by self- centredness and ego.
Being aware and controlling my own thoughts – as if I were standing outside my body becoming an observer and listener. It is amazing how many things are indeed under our control – an empowering experience to be able to shift negative thoughts and see the other side. This is so important when faced with emotional battles of any sort – including cancer or other life threatening diseases.
Time is the most important gift in life: the freedom to choose how you spend it. We spend so much of our time wishing it away – projecting into the future Wanting to be somewhere else; with someone else; doing something else. Some of us live in our pasts – I chose to gate my previous life, lock it away and not visit it because I couldn’t deal with the emotions. I enjoyed the self pity and being a victim choosing to wallow in my fabricated world. Yes, it is true that I have experienced many a turmoil; but life happens and you deal with it – I am blessed to still be here and although it feels I walk on borrowed time – I am still luckier than many.
Today I sat in the waiting room at hospital – a new lump in my neck had appeared and I was there for a scan. One thing was for sure – this was a cancer hospital and everyone there was in some way affected – people who struggled to walk; a young woman in her prime; an old man with a burnt face and half a neck; a daughter bravely helping her mother – yet in some way there was also a feeling of peace – there was no sense of urgency or panic – Once again I became extremely aware of the importance of living in the day. To me this means simply being grateful for each day that we are alive, not in pain and still able to choose how we spend some of those precious moments. We do not have the power to see into the future but we do have the power to make decisions for today….
Yesterday is but today’s memory and tomorrow is today’s dream
― Kahlil Gibran