New scans are impending and an update on my situation is inevitable… as much as I would like to bury my head in the sand in the so called ‘ostrich effect ‘ .. I do need to know the outcome of the last surgery: Did they manage to get all the cancer in one swoop? Are there cancer cells still showing life? And the big frightening one… has it spread anywhere else? Anyone reading this would say ‘Stop being so negative…. think positive’. My reply would be that I am ….as much as is humanely possible under the circumstances.
I have reached the point, after these last few difficult months of not thinking about the cancer every waking moment: of being able to lead a ‘normal’ life : of being able to fall asleep not thinking about a spiral of decline and untimely death; Spending time with people I love and laughing from the heart without that all invasive sadness lurking in the shadows; Thinking more about the feelings of others and being less self- obsessed …. relishing every moment because life is beautiful even though extremely fragile and uncertain. I am finally a ‘me’ that can exist ….accepting all my faults and imperfections.
Many years spent searching for a meaning to everything simply resulted in self-induced restlessness and discontent. Something inside me has changed profoundly since the last diagnosis of cancer and with it the realisation that ‘happiness’ is a state of being and one of choice
It is odd and uncanny to think that one can be at peace when facing serious illnesses, grief or difficult times but for me, the true values in life became immediately apparent: A sense of mortality rears its head and the future somehow fades from reach but what is beautiful is that the present becomes incredibly more powerful and relevant . I thought that the cancer had taken away from me the possibility to dream…. dream about a future time and space. I always had a dream…. it was never about anything materialistic or tangible but a dream of being serene and finding internal tranquillity in a corner of the earth . A dream of being loved unconditionally and openly…. for who I am and for my values which I hold close to my heart and for which I have fought for all my life.
A moment of reflection makes me realise that my dreams are actually happening now as I allow myself to surrender to life and let the universe guide me. If I open myself to the world, take a risk and attempt to shut out the ever present fear anything is possible… including keeping cancer at bay. I am on a wonderful journey of discovery and of course….the all important road to recovery.
Thank you all for being a part
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams