This morning as usual, I awoke to the incessant groaning of a next door lodger’s freezer that is precariously perched against the adjoining walls. Taking a deep breath.. I tried to control the rising anxiety that was clearly about to invade my innermost thoughts. Opening my curtains, the sun flooded into the room giving me an uncanny sense of positivity on a rather cold, February day in London.

It was today. I knew that my life could change forever.

I decided that I wanted to look my best: music accompanied me into the shower and then sitting on the edge of my bed, I methodically applied my water proof mascara; either way tears of happiness or sadness were bound to result in black panda eyes and I wanted to be prepared. …. the faithful old mirror stared back at me ……and I thought to myself ….. looking good !!!

Downstairs in the kitchen,  I lovingly prepared my morning ritual of the Italian Moka coffee machine flaxseeds and yoghurt. And it was time to go ….Planning is of the essence here …. and we arrived just in time to sit for a few minutes before being called into the oncologists office. Previous visits have entailed waiting for long periods of time speculating on the cancers and life spans of the other waiting patients …. not good practice!

‘Miss Carrina Huff ‘….. my name echoed in the room. I stood up and walked apprehensively through the familiar hallway into the ever familiar small surgical room . I am not sure what I felt in that moment ….. a certain mental numbness …and then those words…..

“Scans look good ….. “ uttered with such calm that the surge of emotions that then overwhelmed my entire being were out of sync with the antiseptic surroundings. My friend’s eyes had welled with tears and we seemed to be looking at each other through misty panes of coloured glass.

You see… those three words meant that I had been given life again …. suddenly I was hearing the applause at my son’s university graduation ; crying as he waits for his gorgeous bride at an altar; holding my first grandchild; visiting those far flung destinations on a map and not as part of a bucket list; but most of all I felt free …there was no imminent sell-by date and no excuses to not find the courage to love again and allow someone to love me …

Cliches such as ‘words can not describe….’ seem to suddenly have a place in the English language …. sometimes words are simply not enough …. or maybe sometimes they are just not needed. I have come to realise, it is the journey that is important and what you learn and take with you …. not where you are on the road. This has been an incredible awakening for me and a steep learning curve but I have embraced each day as a gift..

I was having difficulty ending this entry then on my way home this evening,  I heard a song that inspired me and said it all ….. since my last diagnosis and the return of the cancer I learnt to fly without wings, gliding through each day… now I have wings and the sky is the limit …

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle 

― Albert Einstein

Sometimes I feel so superficial: Here I am worrying about my hair that is progressively thinning …. and I think to myself … “Wake up girl” you know you have been through a cancer jounrey, done the chemo … lost it all before, so why do you care?”

Our minds play silly games and can allow fears to re-surface taking us to hypothetical scenarios that may not even happen.

However hair loss is just one of the side effects of the new medication I have been taking the last 6 months ( Letrozole) but seems to have really kicked in the last couple of months; accompanied by incredible fatigue and joint pain which contribute to terrible mood swings. Managed to also tear my meniscus ( cartilage in knee) so hobbling around with thinning hair trying to avoid my reflection in the multitude of mirrors hanging silently on the walls. Maybe it is just the worrying going off on a tangent whilst waiting for these all telling `CT scan results. To soothe my anxiety, I then type away on a brand new Mac Air …. but still feel incredibly sorry for myself.

This just wont do…..

Recently I heard someone say “Be true to thine self” Reflecting on these words I realise that perhaps the spiritual journey I had started when rediagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in May, somehow slowly faded with the long summer days .

So now I need to reground myself… I have lost my way a little during the last few months and I am aware of a changing thought process. Old trains of thought squeezing their way through the walls of optimism that I had managed to construct. Time on your hands can play games with your mind as you ponder and fabricate the future. Really the only moment of any importance is NOW.

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. ~Buddha