Here and Now

Sri Lanka 2008 199Sometimes I feel so superficial: Here I am worrying about my hair that is progressively thinning …. and I think to myself … “Wake up girl” you know you have been through a cancer jounrey, done the chemo … lost it all before, so why do you care?”

Our minds play silly games and can allow fears to re-surface taking us to hypothetical scenarios that may not even happen.

However hair loss is just one of the side effects of the new medication I have been taking the last 6 months ( Letrozole) but seems to have really kicked in the last couple of months; accompanied by incredible fatigue and joint pain which contribute to terrible mood swings. Managed to also tear my meniscus ( cartilage in knee) so hobbling around with thinning hair trying to avoid my reflection in the multitude of mirrors hanging silently on the walls. Maybe it is just the worrying going off on a tangent whilst waiting for these all telling `CT scan results. To soothe my anxiety, I then type away on a brand new Mac Air …. but still feel incredibly sorry for myself.

This just wont do…..

Recently I heard someone say “Be true to thine self” Reflecting on these words I realise that perhaps the spiritual journey I had started when rediagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in May, somehow slowly faded with the long summer days .

So now I need to reground myself… I have lost my way a little during the last few months and I am aware of a changing thought process. Old trains of thought squeezing their way through the walls of optimism that I had managed to construct. Time on your hands can play games with your mind as you ponder and fabricate the future. Really the only moment of any importance is NOW.

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. ~Buddha

4 thoughts on “Here and Now

  1. So tempting this superficial world… easy to let go of values, targets, and goals……and so easy to get lost on the way…..reminds me of a dream a friend told me about recently…she dreamt she wanted to go somewhere to see someone, she was excited and in a hurry as she knew the someone would not be where she had to go for a long time, she jumped in her new car but it would not start, whatever she tried the car would not start, she was desperate and upset, and soon it was too late….that was the moment she realised that she had put the key of her old car into the new one and that was why it did dont start……well, sometimes we grap the old keys until we realise that old keys do not work with new cars…..and maybe your self-awareness tells you the right thing…..and maybe it is time to return to your spiritual journey you started, touch base again, ground yourself, and don’t get carried away by all the distractions that take you back on the old road…..the old road that made you ill…..take the turn now sweet darling….don’t wait for results….take control yourself of what is going to happen. With all my love, the nutty professor XXX

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