This morning as usual, I awoke to the incessant groaning of a next door lodger’s freezer that is precariously perched against the adjoining walls. Taking a deep breath.. I tried to control the rising anxiety that was clearly about to invade my innermost thoughts. Opening my curtains, the sun flooded into the room giving me an uncanny sense of positivity on a rather cold, February day in London.
It was today. I knew that my life could change forever.
I decided that I wanted to look my best: music accompanied me into the shower and then sitting on the edge of my bed, I methodically applied my water proof mascara; either way tears of happiness or sadness were bound to result in black panda eyes and I wanted to be prepared. …. the faithful old mirror stared back at me ……and I thought to myself ….. looking good !!!
Downstairs in the kitchen, I lovingly prepared my morning ritual of the Italian Moka coffee machine flaxseeds and yoghurt. And it was time to go ….Planning is of the essence here …. and we arrived just in time to sit for a few minutes before being called into the oncologists office. Previous visits have entailed waiting for long periods of time speculating on the cancers and life spans of the other waiting patients …. not good practice!
‘Miss Carrina Huff ‘….. my name echoed in the room. I stood up and walked apprehensively through the familiar hallway into the ever familiar small surgical room . I am not sure what I felt in that moment ….. a certain mental numbness …and then those words…..
“Scans look good ….. “ uttered with such calm that the surge of emotions that then overwhelmed my entire being were out of sync with the antiseptic surroundings. My friend’s eyes had welled with tears and we seemed to be looking at each other through misty panes of coloured glass.
You see… those three words meant that I had been given life again …. suddenly I was hearing the applause at my son’s university graduation ; crying as he waits for his gorgeous bride at an altar; holding my first grandchild; visiting those far flung destinations on a map and not as part of a bucket list; but most of all I felt free …there was no imminent sell-by date and no excuses to not find the courage to love again and allow someone to love me …
Cliches such as ‘words can not describe….’ seem to suddenly have a place in the English language …. sometimes words are simply not enough …. or maybe sometimes they are just not needed. I have come to realise, it is the journey that is important and what you learn and take with you …. not where you are on the road. This has been an incredible awakening for me and a steep learning curve but I have embraced each day as a gift..
I was having difficulty ending this entry then on my way home this evening, I heard a song that inspired me and said it all ….. since my last diagnosis and the return of the cancer I learnt to fly without wings, gliding through each day… now I have wings and the sky is the limit …
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle