The Mistake…. good , bad and ugly

ravenMy throat pain was steadily increasing and the inability to move my tongue or articulate just led me to darker thoughts. The meeting in London with new ENT ( ear nose and throat specialist) and urgent scans confirmed it …..

Stage 4 Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the right tonsil with spread into base of the tongue. This indicated, that the node last year was not metastatic breast cancer, but part of a new tonsil cancer.

I could feel the anger welling up as I left the hospital crying. I called my mother. What a great woman… “You can beat it again” she mumbled through broken tears  over the thousand miles that separated us … I wanted so much for her to hold me as a mother holds her infant child. To tell me everything was going to be alright. The fear was suffocating.

Sitting in the car trying to digest the news, I just felt exhausted, so unlucky, I couldn’t even find the ignition for the key my hands were shaking so badly. My life has been a series of battles, almost like tests, and I just didn’t know if I could face yet another. I couldn’t stop trembling as I sat there trying to reason through all the recent events. My God !!! Cancer again …. chemotherapy and radiotherapy again!  How unlucky  can I possibly be ? What did I ever do to deserve this?

As I drove to my best friend’s house in search of consolation, I realised that life was exactly that… a series of ups and downs that you wade through to your best ability with courage and conviction. We discussed the immediate implications of the diagnosis, most of all the effect it would have on my son and how to tell him. How could the doctors have made this mistake. They had missed the obvious first sign of tonsil cancer: a single swollen cervicle node. Instead they had looked at my history of breast cancer and simply fobbed it off as metatastic spread. Even a pathology report from the lab clearly stated that there could be a new primary tumour but  both my breast consultant and the head neck team were in unison and adamant it was from the breast.

My head was a whirlwind of thoughts.. Why had no one investigated further ? Why had someone not stuck a bloody endoscope tube down my throat?  Even when the neck dissection came back showing only the ONE  cancerous node they did not move from their theory of  breast cancer spread. I have to say that the new consultants were all quite shocked that this had happened.  I have not seen the consultants that made the mistake since the new diagnosis..I am still far too emotional and full of resentment but it is something that I will need to face and challenge.

How did all this happen and whose fault is it?  I dont have the answer to this as there will always be an excuse to protect those responsible,  I mull over  the ‘mistake’ day and night.  To find some inner peace I  say to myself  that on the upside of what has happened,  I am now considered a 5 year breast cancer survivor; on the downside unfortunately, I have a new primary tumour and am embarking on another unknown journey.

Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.  

( Cicero)

 

6 thoughts on “The Mistake…. good , bad and ugly

  1. Ah, luv… My first instinct is to say go after that first team with every legal weapon available…then on further thought, to say at least it was caught, and cured, tho late. Perhaps this too is a test… either way, you will beat this too, but calm is the best way.baci carissima xx

  2. Cara, il cancro e’ una brutta , anzi bruttissima bestia.
    Ogni secondo il nostro corpo produce una cellula tumorale, i nostri anticorpi di solito la distruggono. Ma ci sono umani che per vari morivi chimico e fisico non riescono, vi e’ una teoria che imputano la replicazione delle cellule tumorali in relazione allo stato psichico e alla vita quotidiana. Cosi’ per chi ha un interiorita’ fragile sembrerebbe che il cancro trovi terreno assai fertile. Ma questo nel tuo caso e’ il passato, esso e’ non modificabile mentre e’ possibile modificare il presente , se non per noi stessi almeno per le persone che amiamo. Addossare colpe a chi avrebbe dovuto scoprire prima ed intervenire prima ha poco senso se pensiamo che gli altri sono lo specchio di cio’ che noi siamo e trasmettiamo e non importa se siano dottori, esperti od amici. Ma chi lavora nell’ambito oncologico Sa’ bene di cosa tratta. Un giorno in piu’, un anno in piu’ , od anche pochi minuti fanno la differenza per l’essere umano colpito da questa stronza e zoccolissima malattia, la consapevolezza e’ l’unica arma che si possiede per combattere il cancro, non solo per noi ma per chi ci ama, anzi in primis per che ci ama. Quindi lotta cara , lotta e non stancarti mai, abbandona l’apparire e dona te stessa a cio’ che e’ l’essere e cioe: madre, figlia e te stessa nella tua totalita’ di corpo ed anima, ma credimi in questi momenti non e’ forse piu’ importante la tua figura di madre che non tutto il resto? So di farti un discorso lungo ed assai complesso, ma solo attraverso l’amore che provi per tuo figlio puo’ darti la forza per combattere, egli ti amera’ sempre e comunque in qualunque condizione, bastera’ anche solo un tuo sguardo ed egli ne sara’ pago. Sii Donna, sii coraggiosa, sappi amare incodizionatamente ed abbandona il corpo e l’apparire dato che poco hanno senso di fronte a l’amore per tuo figlio. Tvb , sandra

  3. Oh Hun. I was in tears reading that. Cancer is a bastard. Affecting the good people. There is no justice in this world. Sending you a huge hug. But you can beat it again. You’re a strong woman and this will be beaten. Sending much love and hugs to you and your family. Xxxxxx

  4. Carrina you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. You are strong and you will fight this cancer all the way. Sending hugs and love . x x x x x x x x

  5. Carrina lotta con tutte le tue forse, mi piacerebbe tanto dirti tutto quello che io ho fatto…ti ho gia scritto prima. Ok comunque il mio cancer era terribile, un dottore disse che avevo 2 mesi di vita, ed eccomi qua, non ho piu’ niente nell seno, ne nelle ossa, ne nell fegato, un miracolo per loro, anche per me, ma credo che ho raforzato molto il mio sis imnunitario, se voi ti metto in contatto con la dott.ssa che mi ha dato tutte queste cose naturalli, ti mando mille baci xxxxx

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